WHICH TYPE ARE YOU?

Dr. Wendy Ghiora – Posting #71- November 13, 2010

It’s that time of year. Many parents are attending their first parent-teacher conference. I had originally planned to write about Parent-Teacher Conferences this week, however, while researching I came upon an interesting website. This website includes many helpful tips for both parents and teachers.

One of the entries under the subject of Parent-Teacher Conferences that caught my eye was a chart, presumably describing three parent “types.” The chart describes the three parent types and then goes on to give ten examples of how each type handles different situations with their child.

Here are the three types with the ten given examples, along with a few of my thoughts:

Over Protective:
This parent hovers over their children and rescues them from the hostile world in which they live.
1. Provides messages of weakness and low personal worth.
2. Makes excuses for their child, but complains about mishandled responsibilities. The child can do no wrong. It's always the teacher's (or somebody else’s) fault.
3. “Takes on” the responsibilities of their child.
4. Protects the child from any possible negative feelings.
5. Makes virtually all decisions for the child.
6. Provides no structure, but complains, “After all I’ve done for you…”
7. Whines and uses guilt: “When will you ever learn. I always have to clean up after you.”
8. Gripes about having an irresponsible child who causes “me” more work and responsibility.
9. Uses lots of words and actions that rescue or indicate that the child is incapable.
10. Protects the child from natural consequences, i.e. if you are mean to someone, they will probably be mean back to you.

Many of us have seen this “hovering” parent, who undoubtedly feels she is doing the right thing by making sure her child never has to experience anything negative while she’s there to surround the child with a buffer of protection. Has this parent thought of how the child will learn to deal with obstacles and make decisions on his own, when Mom or Dad isn’t around? Is this parent really doing their child a service or actually making their child more vulnerable and less self-sufficient?

The Dictator:
This parent commands and directs the lives of their children.
1. Provides messages of low personal worth and resistance.
2. Makes lots of demands and has lots of expectations about responsibility.
3. Tells their children how they should handle responsibility.
4. Tells their child how they should feel.
5. Deals out absolutes: “This is the decision you should make!”
6. Demands that jobs be done now.
7. Issues orders and threats. “You get that room cleaned up or else…”
8. Takes over ownership of the problem using threats and orders to solve the problem.
9. Uses lots of harsh words and very few actions.
10. Uses punishment; pain and humiliation serve as the teacher.

This is the parent we sometimes see and then understand why people living in a dictatorship are willing to do practically anything to escape. This parent doesn’t understand that by taking away the child’s willingness to do “what is expected,” he is taking away the child’s interest as well. When this happens, the child’s spirit is broken and the parent may have an obedient slave, but he will not have a child that respects his parent. Only when the child understands why, certain behaviors and decisions are best, is he able to make good decisions on his own.

The Guide:
This can also be called, "The Love and Logic Parent." The Love and Logic parent provides guidance for their children.
1. Provides and communicates messages of personal worth and strength to their children.
2. Very seldom is required to mention responsibilities.
3. Demonstrates by example how to take care of self and be responsible.
4. Shares personal feelings about their own performance and responsibilities.
5. Provides and helps their children explore alternatives and then allows them to make their own decisions.
6. Provides “time frames” in which child may complete responsibilities.
7. Models (and can also verbalize)doing a good job, finishing, cleaning up, feeling good about it.
8. Often asks self, “Who owns the problem?” Helps the child explore solutions to the problem.
9. Uses lots of actions, but few words. (“Actions speak louder than words.”)
10. Allows child to experience life’s natural consequences and allows them to serve as the teacher.

This is the type of parent that understands the importance of talking the talk and walking the walk. Through verbal encouragement and living examples of being responsible and making good decisions, the child learns. The child feels loved and wants to create the same great results he sees his parents enjoying. The child feels empowered and trusted to make his own decisions and has the opportunity to blossom into a productive member of society.

In most cases, a parent may possess qualities from each of the three examples given. However, one of these types usually tends to be dominant. Which type do you think is the most beneficial to the child?
- - - - - - -

The material for the Three Types of Parents is taken directly from the website: loveandlogic.com. This is the website mentioned that also provides numerous tips for parents and teachers.