WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SELF-CONTROL?

Dr. Wendy Ghiora – Posting #61 August 14, 2010

"Steven Slater, JetBlue Flight Attendant, Curses Passengers, Jumps Down Emergency Chute, Becomes Folk Hero" and "Rage at McDonalds Drive Thru over Lack of McNuggets".
How can we expect our children to exhibit self-control, when adults (who will probably soon be appearing on the Jay Leno Show), aren’t modeling civility as illustrated in the recent news headlines above.

We can only hope there are enough adults to serve as good role models out there to far outnumber the poor role models. As every good parent and pre-school teacher knows, teaching a child self-control involves helping them to:

• Think before acting
• Control impulses
• Weigh consequences
• Make safe and acceptable choices

It is important to be a good model of self-control for your child. Controlling the urge to yell when in a frustrating situation will show your child it can be done. Considering consequences by thinking aloud will give your child a living example of thinking before acting. Your everyday display of kindness, patience, consideration, tolerance, and thoughtfulness will go farther than anything else!
How many times have I seen an adult, with a teen in the passenger seat, driving a car like a wild person, yelling at the car ahead of them? Not exactly the best example setter.

Letting children know that everyone loses control sometimes allows them to view themselves and others with compassion. Frustrations and disappointments are universal experiences. We can encourage self-control by pointing out the times and ways our children are successful at demonstrating good manners and self-control. This will encourage them as they grow older and face new challenges. As children become more able to exercise self-control, they develop confidence in their ability to make good choices, an awareness of what is fair and right, and a working knowledge of how to use their personal power appropriately. Helping your child learn self-control is not an easy job, but may be the greatest gift you have to offer. I wonder what role models Steve Slater and the McDonald’s customer learned from.

Here are a few ways all adults can demonstrate good manners and self-control for children.

1. When the child hands you something, say “thank you.”
2. Rather than yank an item from the child, politely ask for it.
3. If you don't get your way in any situation, let your child see a mature, respectful manner rather than ranting. He will also be less likely to misbehave when he doesn't get his way.
4. When your child shows respect and good manners, praise him by telling him. Mention the specific good behavior he exhibited.
5. If he appears to have forgotten what he's supposed to do, gently and discreetly remind him in a way that won't embarrass him in front of peers or family. By doing this, you'll be showing respect for his feelings, which should be another example of how to handle uncomfortable situations.
6. If he is calm, allow him to return to the setting to show that he can use good manners.

When a toddler is angry he lashes out. When the adult is angry, she realizes that if she lashes out she may suffer undesirable consequences. As a result, she controls her impulse, sacrificing immediate gratification in the interest of a more satisfactory long-term solution. The mature person has a sense of the future, and thinks in terms of it as well as the present. Rational control of our emotions and impulses depends on the ability to wait and see. We must be able to take into account all of the likely consequences of our actions for us and for others.

Mature adults seeking to promote and continue our civilized way of life, usually have an internal sort of check list they follow when confronted with a very annoying and possibly explosive situation. It may include some of the following:

1.Take a personal time out.
2.Put the shoe on the other foot. Chances are you don't have all the facts.
3.Look before you leap. Consider the consequences. Will you have regret?
4.He who plans to take revenge could have to dig two graves.
5.Make your decision a win-win.

Well, Mr. Slater may or may not be a Folk Hero. He did wind up having a ballad written for him by Jimmy Fallon. Perhaps the next time one is “as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore,” rather than blurting out profanities on the speaker system, grabbing some beers and then exiting the scene on the Emergency Slide, one can try one of the above to help revive some self-control. I’m just sayin’.

Our actions and reactions to people and situations are the true tale of our maturity and ability to behave and be successful in a civilized society. We all have our daily challenges, some which are extremely difficult and aggravating. Ultimately, it is our choice to handle these challenges in a way that sets a bad example or a good example. What will your choice be?

He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior. Confucius