MANNERS MATTER?

Dr. Wendy Ghiora – Posting #81 – January 29, 2011

Should we bother to teach our children good manners? Well, let me ask you this; have you ever had a child come up to you and say, “Your hair really looks stupid” or point at someone when shopping in the mall and yell, “Look at that fat man”?
As an adult, would you think of these two scenarios:
A man comes up to you and says, “Hey lady, let me see your watch.”
A man comes up to you and says, “Excuse me, can you please tell me what time it is?”

Seeing Is Believing
A lot of the teaching of good manners comes from how you treat a child. Ordering a child what to say and how to act is not respectful. It is not the kind of manners you want her to learn. Thanking her when she is being helpful or being kind and generous towards others, should really be the heart of your teaching tools. Children really do assimilate what they see, hear and experience around them.
The key words used by people with good manners are still “please” and “thank you”. Encourage your children to greet their friends politely, to say "thank you for coming" when their guests depart, and "thanks for having me over" when they leave a playmate's house. If you model using these words consistently, your children will get the idea and be well on their way to practicing good manners wherever they go.

The Golden Rule
Between the ages of 2 and 5, your preschool child is most receptive to learning the rules of polite conduct. "When children are very young," says Linda Altman, a Georgia-based counselor and educator, "they want to do anything you ask. Grab the opportunity to teach appropriate behavior."

The key from the beginning, according to Marianne Drew-Pennington, executive director of West Side Family Place, a Vancouver parent-resource center, is to treat your children with the same respect you expect from them. "Children learn primarily by example," she says. "You can't be rude to them and then expect them to be polite to other people."

Take “in the moment” opportunities to teach good manners. For example, when I saw Jason shove another student and shout, "Move!" After the incident, I asked Jason, "Could you have said that more politely?" The child thought for a moment and then said, "Move please?" Hmmm. "That's a little bit better, but how about saying 'excuse me?' "To which the child replied, "Why should I say that? I didn't burp." "He honestly didn't know." "They can't know if you don't teach them."

Drew-Pennington advises us to take every opportunity to praise polite behavior. Comments like "It sounds so nice when you remember to say 'please' and 'thank you,' "or "I think it made Aunt Mary feel good when you told her you liked her present." Let your child know that his efforts make a real difference. With good role modeling and praise for appropriate behavior, your children will “learn” good manners as a natural matter of course.

Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest people uneasy is the best bred in the room.
Jonathan Swift